It Ain't Over Yet!

Click to enlarge and print this festive holiday picture of PANSI and Aubvey, for a gift that keeps on giving all year long!

Aubvey does the Dance of Ghostly Wisdom with the help of Priestess Brittney, Black Velvet, Merlin, Wheelz and Bitty Batt. She is hoping that the spirits will tell her what to do next where her romantic interests are concerned. Brittney was chuckling. We wonder what she knows that us mere mortals do not!
Ugly Grace

What Will Aubvey Do?

Aubvey dances the hoedown with Rubber Chicken on Cuzzin Hildy-Bob's farm

What Will Aubvey Do?
by Peter Piper

Everybody's wondering, what will the Netherworld's hottest sportscaster Aubvey do now that Tommy Tuberville is no longer coach of the Auburn Tigers. Will she still hold out for Tommy's love? Will she give Tommy the old heave-ho in favor of the new coach? Will she play the field, going from one meaningless relationship to another? Last night she decided in favor of heavy 'shine consumption and dancing the hoedown at Cuzzin Hildy-Bob's place. Cuzzin Hildy-Bob's rubber chicken, a creature made by Dr. Schitz from the DNA of a chicken and the molecules of a tire, danced the night away with Aubvey. But everyone has their doubts that anything serious is going on there.
"How could ANYONE be serious about a rubber chicken? They're just too dang funny!" proclaims well-known clown, Funny Fanny.
I don't know about being serious, but if Aubvey is interested in doing the horizontal hoedown with a sexy satyr, she can just leave a message in Box 69 for me at the Happy Wiener, or email me at horny.piper@happywiener.com or peter.piper@thecrappytimes.com and I'll get on her...I mean, back to her, ASAP!
Peter Piper

Click to enlarge the picture and see Doo Doo Girl's three little extraterrestrial visitors. Boy will Emrald be jealous when she hears about this!

Undead Sports Fan worried about Aubvey's Association with Unsavory Sean Avery

Fellow members of NG4J and the Netherworld New Vaudeville Theatre try to stop Aubvey from making another romantic mistake


The Dallas Stars didn't appreciate the sleazy comments made by Sean Avery about his ex-girlfriend Elisha Cuthbert, and have suspended him indefinitely. But in true predatory fashion, Avery honed in on the vulnerable Aubvey, who felt that "the poor boy needs mah help to turn his sorry, verbally abusive life around."

Aubvey's Pals an' Fellow Sports Casters Worried 'Bout Aubvey

by the Undead Sports Fan

(an' Eddie)

Howdy y'all! This here is the Undead Sports Fan, cuzzin to yer ole friend Cuzzin Hildy-Bob, who is the head editor of Sportin' Reportin' at the Crappy Times. As y'all probably know, my husband Eddie is a member of the great rock band Iron Maiden (he's the hottest one, but don't tell the other fellers I said that 'cause I don't wanna hurt their feelings) and he's also a DJ at KHEL 666. Anyways, me and Eddie is both purty savvy when it comes to knowin' the in's an' the outs in the world of sports an' ennertainment, an' who's doin' the ole in-out with who, as Eddie's cuzzin Lord Iffy Boatrace puts it.

Well, what I shore am worried about is if Aubvey is doin' the ole in-out with some other unsavory character 'cause she shore has bin bummed since her beloved Auburn Tigers is havin' such a terrible ole season. She feels like she's a-lettin' Tommy Tuberville down, so she gets bombed on Cuzzin Hildy an' Cuzzin Virgil's premium shine an' lets her guard down.

So far Aubvey done let her guard down with ole Yam Man, who is a counselor type feller that pretends he cares but really all's he wants is to git laid.

Then she let her guard down with Axe Man, an' even though she said nothin' happened 'cause they was both too drunk, this is Axe Man we's talkin' 'bout, y'all, an' that ole son of a depraved executioner done had a reppy-tation as a big ole Don Juan even when he was jest a stall shoveler back in his home town in Plaugen, Norway. Axe done made the Top Ten Sluts In the Netherworld list fer the third year in a row, an' that's only 'cause he's only bin in the Netherworld fer three years or he'd have made it on there lots more years, I kin tell y'all!
Then Aubvey done let her guard down with the Edmonton Express, Eddie Shore. Now I kin believe the Express when he says that he didn't do nothin' ungentlemanly with Aubvey 'cause he ain't no slick talkin' Yam Man an' he ain't no hair-brained Norwegian nympho Axe Man. But when it comes to Aubvey's latest mistake, he shore ain't even as good as neither of them other two sleaze bags. Iffen y'all done listened to ole Shawn Avery shootin' off his mouth in that thar video I done provided fer y'all, ya know what I'm a-talkin' about!

But Aubvey done said that the pore feller jest lost his sense of direction an' all's he needs is a good woman to put him back on track! Well, me an' Eddie got some advice fer Aubvey. So listen up, y'all, an' I'm shore y'all will agree with us.

Undead Sports Fan: Aubvey, Darlin', Iffen what A-Hole Avery needs is a good woman to put him back on track, step aside an' let his momma open a can of Whoop Ass on him! This sucker ain't yer problem.

Eddie: Too wite, golden dove. But 'ere's a suggestion for yer. I got a whole potter's field full of relatives across the pond. I could dig wahn of them up fer yer. Na, if yer finkin' as maybe ya wanna climb the social ladder a lil' so ter speak an' want someone as is more in league wif me cousin Lord Iffy, 'eaven and 'ell, we got more upper-class twits loike 'im in me family too. I'm usually ashamed ter admit it, but this 'ere is an emergency. So just let me kna if yer want me ter dig up wahn of me relatives ter be yer emotional rescue.

Undead Sports Fan: I tell y'all what, Aubvey, y'all jest can't go wrong with a Limey Zombie by yer side. Ain't nobody will never harrass y'all when yer out on the town, an' I gotta say that my feller Eddie is jest the most romantic sucker! He's always bringin' me an' our boys home takeout from Steak Through the Heart when he gits done dj-ing at KHEL 666. He comes to watch me announcin' the hockey games whenever he can an' he totally supports me! So I suggest that y'all take Eddie up on his offer an' git y'all a British Zombie fer yer new feller. Leastways, he kin kick that thar Sean Avery sucker's butt when he decides ter dis y'all like he done to Elisha Cuthbert.

Eddie: Aw, yer flatter me, Briney Marlin. But yer wite as Pleasure and Pain that a Robin Hood cockney zombie is just wot Aubvey needs in 'er loife. I tell yer wot, Aubvey. Wahn of me relatives or china plates from the bloomin' old Johnnie Horner churchyard would be wite 'eaven and 'ell chuffed ter 'ave a classy bird loike ya on 'is Chalk Farm an' 'e would take care of yer loike nah ovver! But if yer prefer the bleedin' Lord Iffy type of Heap Of Coke, 'eaven and 'ell, I'll be glad ter kick Avery's can fer yer. I wouldn't even need ter crack open a Whoop Butte ter take care of that blighter!

Undead Sports Fan: Plus, them Brit zombies shore do talk sexy! So let us know, Aubvey, what do y'all say? Will y'all let one of Eddie's relatives be yer Mr. Right an' git yer heart out of the hole it's in?

Eddie: Just daan't take too long, wot? 'Cause sum of these suckers 'as been buried more than 500 years, an' we wanna dig 'em up before they falls apart!

Undead Sports Fan: I shore do hope that Aubvey accepts this opportunity to git herself a real good feller! Now, the choice is yers, Aubvey, Darlin', but I gotta recommend them thar Cockney zombies over the upper-class twit kind. Them's the fellers as will stand up fer yer an' bring home the bacon, brains, an' spare parts to you an' your'n. I'll see you at the next hockey game, Darlin', an' y'all kin let me know yer verdict then!

Eddie: Cheers!

The Undead Sports Fan and Eddie

Are New Christmas Tree is Hear

Skroll down to the bottum and give us present's!!!!
XXXOOO,
PANSI!!!!!!