Make your own Zing!
Who's Brittney's Baby Daddy
by Chuck Ruttheimer
for Chuck's Ruttin' Celebrity Sex Scandal Column
Rowr!!!! Superstar DJ Brittney is getting feisty about speculations surrounding the paternity of her incubating offspring, and things are getting ugly. Brittney claims that the father of the fetal offspring in Dr. Schitz' lab is undead metalhead stud Quorthon who "felt his ectoplasmic clock ticking or something like that." Sources state that spawning was Quorthon's idea and that Brittney agreed as long as she didn't have to gestate said headbanging embryo herself.
However, there are also allegations that Quorthon is not in fact the father of said unborn fetal metalhead. In what Brittney calls "the worst photoshop mess I've seen," the High Priestess of Darkness is seen with none other than Rasputin's Penis, furthering speculation that Rasputin, or at least his penis, is the father of Brittney's incubating offspring.
Axe Man has stated that he'd like to have Brittney be the mother of his next child, "cuz Brittney a real MILF," but this will probably happen when Abba receives the Best Scandinavian Death Metal Act of the Year award. Other sources wonder if Smashy Spider is not in fact the baby daddy. Another faction states that Satan is the proud papa of Brittney's baby.
Only Dr. Schitz knows for sure--and he isn't telling.
This is the biggest scandal and most mystifying mystery since the question was raised: just who in Hell is the father of Lammy's baby???
Chuck Ruttheimer
Brittney has issued a statement that Judas Priest fittingly puts in song.
"We support Brittney and Quorthon. The truth will come out and they will be vindicated," says Priest frontman Rob Halford.
4 comments:
Just the fact that Brittany is the mother is scary enough. The thought of a half spider sounds interesting. We often wonder if the good Doctor actually knows what he is doing and that is the real reason he doesn't tell anything.
And now a new question: Does Charles Ruttheimer still have all his limbs, and how long can he keep them?
T&I, I assure you that Dr. Schitz does know what he's doing. He's just easily distracted.
Hobbes,
Daria and I often asked ourselves that very same question throughout our high school years with Chuck.
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