Brittney's Battle: Teen Trouble

Brittney II is losing sleep over...

Bad boy Kenickie, who arrived in the Netherworld just yesterday and swept the badass Hellspawn rocker off her feet

Brittney II's sister, zombie guitar shredder Jenni Riff, says that ever since her sis flipped for Kenickie, she's been hitting clunkers on every other note.

Brittney, seen here with her fan club treasurer Merlin during a photo shoot, is a little concerned about her daughter's questionable taste in men

Brittney's Daughter Krazy for Kenickie

by Evil Ed

KHEL 666 rockin' DJ Brittney and her former flame Quorthon are dismayed about their daughter Brittney II's first love, and Brittney's sister Jenni shares her parents' concerns.

"She met him at the candy store," Jenni reports. "You get the picture?"

"Yes, we see," Brittney and Quorthon chorused.

"So tell me," I said, "why is it that each of you don't want Brittney II seeing Kenickie?"

"Because she keeps hitting sour notes when we're practicing because all she's thinking of is Kenickie instead of the music!" Jenni complained. "It's not as if Hellspawn is Death Cheese, you know. We really can't get away with not knowing how to play our instruments!"

"I know his kind," Quorthon said. "All he wants to do is get in my daughter's Spandex pants and add her virginity to the list of virginities he's undone. Have you seen his cigarette case, Eddie? He has carved cherries all along the side for all the virginities he's stolen!"

"I wonder if he'd consider going to the--ahem--dark side and taking a virginity." I mused.

"Ed, we're talking about my daughter here, not your homosexual lust fantasies," Brittney exclaimed, slapping sense into me, for which I'll probably need to see Dr. Schitz later to make sure no permanent damage was done.

"Sorry, Brittney," I said. "I can see where you'd agree with Quorthon about Kenickie being nothing but a hound dog sniffing around for a bone."

"Well, it isn't so much that, Ed. It's that I have a different kind of guy in mind for my girls," Brittney said. With that she brought a picture up on her computer.

Brittney's idea of a good date for her daughter: Goth Rokker, who...well...rocks.

"Um...Brittney, former love of my unlife," Quorthon said, with a horrified look on his face. "Have you not noticed that this fellow...dare I say...SPARKLES?"

With that the metal legend visibly shuddered.

"Yes, but this can be ignored," Brittney said. "He knows greatness when he sees it. He told me that Hellspawn is the most shredding band in the Universe, and that I kick more ass than any DJ he's ever heard. Obviously he has taste! Plus, look at those kick ass leather pants! I've arranged for his band, Gothic, to open for Hellspawn when they open for Death Cheese this summer."

"All right, fine," Quorthon sighed. "What instrument does this sparkly haired creature play?"

"Um...well...he just said that he rocks," Brittney said. "You can't deny that he looks like he rocks!"

At that moment, Brittney II came running in, holding Kenickie's hand.

"Mom! Dad! Kenickie and I are going to the malt shoppe!" she squealed. "And then to a drive-in movie later!"

"Why, what a coincidence," Quorthon said. "I was just thinking how good it sounded to get a malt and then go to a movie at the old 666-screen. I've heard that "Vermin of Zormogg is playing tonight."

"Ill come too," Brittney said. "I've been dying to see Vermin of Zormogg."

"So, Britt, if you don't want to go out with Goth Rokker, can I go out with him?" Jenni asked.

"Well, you do what you want, Jenni, but he looks like a sparkly wuss who wouldn't know how to treat a nice ass kicking zombie metalhead like yourself," Quorthon said.

A moment after the family left, Nikki 666 came in looking for Brittney.

"Hey, Ed, have you seen Brittney?" he asked. "I was hoping to give her these black roses. I know they're her favorite."

"Oh, you just missed her," I said. "She's gone off to the Hellplex 666-Screen Drive-in with Brittney II, Kenickie, Jenni and Quorthon to see Vermin of Zormogg."

"Quorthon, huh?" Nikki said suspiciously. "You don't suppose they're thinking of getting back together?"

"No, nothing like that. They're just trying to stop Brittney II from inspiring Kenickie to carve another cherry on his cigarette case."

"Yeah, that makes sense. Still, I'm suddenly in the mood to see Vermin of Zormogg. You want to come with me, Ed?"

"Sure!" I said. "Brittney will probably get really jealous when she sees us together!"

"Don't push your luck, Dude. I'm not into gay vampires."

"Can we still share popcorn and a blood fizzy?"

"I'm good with the popcorn, but I'll pass on the blood fizzy. I much prefer a hot lava. Now come on, we don't want to miss a moment of Vermin of Zormogg! And I want to get my pick of the spots--the one next to Kenickie's car!"

Wow, this  is the most exciting scandal to happen in the Netherworld in a long time! I sure hope there's lots more where that came from! Kenickie's coming here has made things really cool!

--Evil Ed